How to ask necessary but uncomfortable questions
Caroline McNeely, Staff Writer
If you’re initial instinct is to avoid this article, don’t. You, my friend, may need to hear some of these tips and steps to conquering the awkwardness of uncomfortable situations we often find ourselves in.
We all have had that roommate, friend, boss, family member or coworker that we needed to have an uncomfortable conversation with. Most times, we find ourselves unable to even approach the other person to settle any conflict or to ask a beneficial, yet uncomfortable question.
Imagine this: your roommate eats the food you bought for yourself without asking, and you KNOW you need to approach him or her about. There may be some of you who will charge at conflict like it’s just another stroll around the block. Then there are those who physically shrivel at the mere thought of having to ask roommate to not eat his or her food.
Whether you are a bull in a china shop or the one who would rather keep their mouth shut when it comes to conflict, we all need to know HOW to ask difficult questions.
Senior and Student Leadership Team member, Jordan Pracht, has come across many of these situations in her leadership position and in her personal life. Pracht says, “I think it is necessary to ask the uncomfortable questions. Not to condemn or judge them, but to encourage and steer them to be more like Christ and that is what the believer is called to do.”
If anything, here are some tips on how to ask the necessary and inevitably uncomfortable questions that push us to be more like Christ.
TIP #1: SEEK WISDOM AND COUNSEL
I know what you’re thinking: not another “go talk to someone older than you” comment. I get it. A lot of times it feel intimidating, and you would rather talk to that friend or your roommate who is always around you and already knows the situation.
Find wisdom from someone older than you and that you can trust to advise you well through this situation. Pracht says, “Go to the people you know have been in a hard situation before where they have had to encounter or confront someone. I know the staff in CMSE [Campus Ministries and Student Engagement] have been so helpful to me in hard conversations that I’ve had to have. Find those people that you trust and that you know will not talk about the situation outside between you and them.”
When you seek wisdom and counsel, you can be given proper guidance from someone who has been in a similar situation as you. This allows you to handle the uncomfortable situation in a healthier and mature manner.
Christian Stewardship Network, a network of pastors and leaders helping churches learn more about biblical stewardship, says in an article, “We seldom have the same privilege of foresight in our own situations. Therefore, we must allow God through His Word and through other people to provide us the wisdom and counsel that will keep us on the right path. Seeking counsel is wise and should be our first step toward making good decisions.”
Seek counsel from someone older than you, but also seek counsel from God. As a believer, going to God in prayer about a difficult situation must be in our process.
In the Bible, Psalm 121:1-2 (NIV) says, “I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
You are on the road to knowing how to ask necessary yet uncomfortable questions, and the journey has just begun. Seeking counsel and wisdom sets you up to prepare and plan for the difficult conversation.
TIP #2: EVALUATE YOUR APPROACH, CONSIDER A HEART CHECK
Time to hit the brakes and consider how you are going to approach the person and the conversation itself. It’s normal to want to rush the conversation and get it over with, but before we can start the car and get rolling there must be a pit stop for a heart check.
When we rush a conversation, we often don’t have time to consider what we are adding that may make things worse if we aren’t careful.
To ask necessary but uncomfortable questions we must approach with:
- Clarity
- Grace
- Urgency
- Humility
- Understanding
That’s great, but what does this actually look like? Let’s see at how each one of these will help in asking necessary questions.
Director of Campus Ministries, Connor Graves, says, “Address the issue with grace, directness, clarity and expedience. The longer we let things fester, the more complicated to untangle.” Avoiding the situation, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable it will be, will only prolong the solution to the tension.
To untangle the matter smoothly, there must be clarity in what you have to say, and clarity in your thoughts toward the other person. Graves says, “Clarity is kindness. A lot of times when we are approaching hard conversations, we dance around the actual thing that needs to be said for fear of being rude. However, this often just creates more confusion about the root issue, which can actually increase the frustration or make finding a solution more difficult. Of course, we should approach everything with grace, but I believe we can do that while also being crystal clear and direct about the issue at hand.”
Imagine that a friend comes up to you hurt about something you said to them. They begin overcompensating with niceties for the hurt they actually feel instead of bringing clarity to the conversation by saying, “you said ___. That made me feel ____.” Wouldn’t it be better for that friend to be clearer and straight forward so you could understand the situation?
Grace, by definition, is the charming quality of being polite and pleasant, or a willingness to be fair and to forgive (Cambridge English Dictionary). Giving space for the other person to explain their side requires this kind of grace, humility to listen and understanding that you have made mistakes in your life, too.
For a practical application, Graves suggests, “Approach things saying, ‘This is how I perceived this,’ or ‘This is how this made me feel,’ rather than ‘You were, fill in the blank.’ Then give space to let someone explain their intentions or their perspective of the issue at hand.”
Pracht, student leadership team member, also suggests, “Go in with a clear mind and blank slate, and don’t try to figure the person out before you have no idea what they’re even thinking or why they did what they did.”
How can you know you are walking in humility and that you aren’t the one in the wrong? Ask God to search your heart for where pride may be or where you may be in the wrong.
Graves gives a warning about pride, as he says, “There could always be sneaky pride lurking beneath the surface of our hearts, but that should not prevent us from having the necessary conversations.”
That’s why we take a pit stop on this journey to asking necessary questions to check the status of our hearts and better prepare and plan for the coming conversation.
TIP #3: TAKE ACTION AND RECOVER WELL
We’re not going into battle, so why does it sound like we’re preparing for impact? Well, because we are. The awkward, uncomfortable, or even intense moments of these conversations are inevitable. It all comes down to everything we have discussed so far but having the courage to put it into action.
To make the already uncomfortable conversation less uncomfortable, don’t hold the conversation in public with other people around. It is more respectful and appropriate when a hard and serious conversation is held in private.
Once you have made the pit stop for a heart check, plan on having a private conversation, then you can work on having the courage to take action.
Lack of courage often pushes the “take action” step back. Graves says, “Just let that person know you would like to talk about something with them and then make it happen as soon as you can…. Asking hard, yet necessary questions pushes relationships toward actual peace.”
Your one act of courage can resolve any tension or confusion and mend that relationship. That is the goal, and these tips will help you move toward true peace within relationships in your life.
We know how to approach, but what about after we have the conversation? What if things are still uncomfortable?
Graves suggests asking questions such as, “How would you like me to approach this in the future?”, “Are there any ways I can do better in this area myself?” and “How can we agree to support each other in this?”
The goal is to recover well, and that means both parties walking away having clarity and understanding in the issue.
Asking the necessary yet uncomfortable questions will never be easy, but there are ways to go about it in an appropriate and Christ-like manner.
Consider Scripture in your situation of asking the uncomfortable questions, and allow God to make you more like Him in this journey:
- Proverbs 27:6, “Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.”
- Matthew 18:15, “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.”
- Psalm 139:23-14, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”
- Ephesians 4:32, “Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
- Ecclesiastes 3:7, “A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.”
