Love on the mind: Relationship goals seminar at NGU
Samantha Meyeres, Staff Writer
Valentine’s Day is here, so this time of year means that more than the normal amount of college students have love on their mind. Whether it is the freshman boy flirting with the girl across the classroom or the senior girl patiently (or impatiently) waiting for that ring by spring, the majority of university students could benefit from a structured workshop on approaching a healthy relationship.
Sara Black, counselor and coordinator of education and outreach at North Greenville University, leads the Relationship Goals Seminar every February. It is a discussion based seminar centered around the Relationship Attachment Model — or the R.A.M. This is a model for determining the health of a relationship. It can be applied in romantic relationships as well as friendships.
The five steps of the model are know, trust, rely, commit and touch. The four weeks of the relationship goals seminar are structured around these topics.
The first session of the seminar happened on February 6 and was focused on the know step in the R.A.M. The discussion was centered around how to really get to know somebody. They talked through the different things that you need to discuss when you’re entering a relationship, such as the different areas of someone’s life that you need to see in order to really get to know them.
The next session, on February 13, focused on the trust and rely steps of the R.A.M. They discussed what it means to build trust and then reliance in a relationship.
“Those two play together, because obviously you can’t rely on somebody you don’t trust,” Black said.
The next session will take place on February 20 and will focus on the commit step. Discussion will be about what commitment should look like in a healthy relationship and practical ways that this is reflected.
The final session on February 27 will focus on the touch step. This step is not just about the physical touch aspect of a relationship but also emotional intimacy.
The relationship attachment model is often helpful for individuals because it is a tangible way to evaluate the health of a relationship.
The above is a picture of what the model would look like upon just meeting someone. That person is still a stranger to you, so there is no level of knowledge, trust, reliance, commitment or touch.
As you progress in a relationship, the bars gradually go up in levels. The above is a picture of what the model would look like in a healthy dating relationship.
“If you’re in a healthy relationship, specifically related to dating, your R.A.M. model needs to look like a downward staircase,” Black said. “You should never let an area exceed what came before it.”
The above picture represents what the R.A.M. should look like in a marriage. The two people fully know, trust and rely on one another. They are fully committed to each other and that is reflected in their intimacy, both physical and emotional.
The model was developed by John Van Epp and is explained in his book “How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk.”
In chapter two of this book, Van Epp said, “The balance of all five bonding dynamics determines the healthiness of your relationship and the clarity of your perspective on your partner.”
Though this book contains more than just information on the R.A.M., the description of the model in this book is the one used in the seminar.
The Relationship Goals seminar is open to everyone. Whether you are male or female, single, dating, engaged or married, you are invited to join the discussion every Thursday of February.
Black has led this seminar for eight years and said that the group dynamic shifts year to year. The group typically consists of six to 12 people. So far this year, only women have attended, but Black said that she hopes more men will come in the following weeks.
“One year we had 19 people, and it was almost exactly half and half guys and girls,” Black said, “and that was the dynamic that we love, because they got to pick each other’s brains.”
The positive psychological aspect of this seminar is that it does not focus solely on assessing a potential dating partner, but rather on self-assessing and reflecting inward on how to be a healthier partner.
Black said, “We’re not just looking for the right people. We’re saying, ‘How can we be the right people for another person?’”
The Relationship Goals Seminar takes place in the Joyful Sound room at 4 p.m. every Thursday in February.
