The world’s longest 90 days: how to make the most of “the talking stage”
Abigail Dickerson, Visual Arts Editor
Are you anxiously trying to meet “the one”? Consider these four tips from relationship experts to guide your search.
On Thursday afternoons throughout February, North Greenville University’s campus ministries and student engagement host a panel discussion called Relationship Goals. These discussion’s are led by Atari Jarret, director of student accountability, and Sarah Black, one of NGU’s counselors. Both women have been with NGU for over six years and work with students on relationship-related needs daily.
The panel began with the introduction of the Relationship Attachment Model. As you can see in the example above, the RAM model has five main points: know, trust, rely, commit and touch. Being familiar with these five things will take some of the weight off of the pre-relationship talking stage.
Black started by explaining the model with the example of stranger status. This is when all bars are on the bottom of the graph. When you don’t know someone you don’t have much trust, reliance, knowledge, commitment or touch. She explained that one thing on the chart leads to the other.
For example, the more you know someone, the more you can trust them, and so on. “Your RAM model in a healthy relationship should look like an upwards staircase” said Black. Once married, the goal is to keep all the bars at the top. If one bar falls lower below it throws things off Jarrett said.
The issue in a dating relationship is when one bar is much higher than all of the others or much too low. Black explained that a relationship that is very committed with no foundation is psychologically referred to as codependence. She compared it to the human form of addiction where you can’t get away.
The goal of the RAM model within dating is to move through the ladder in a healthy and practical way. Committing to relationships before you know someone ultimately can be dangerous said Jarett. You need to get to know the inside of a person before things progress, you’ll start to push aside the red flags later if you don’t.
Jarrett and Black spoke about how knowing a person better can help understand them better and decide whether or not you are ready to be in a relationship with them. The acronym FACES stands for family background, attitudes and actions of conscience, compatibility potential, examples of other relationships and skills of relationships, which are all things to know about someone before you date them.
- FAMILY BACKGROUND
Family background explains what we call in psychology learned behavior, said Black. If you have ever met a friends parents and suddenly you realize that they are a miniature versions of their mother, this is why. Some families look different said Jarrett, their family might look completely different than yours. Something you can do that will help you get to know someone is to watch out to see if they value family and show respect.
Another thing to be conscious of are issues within the family that are beyond your control said Jarrett. You may decide that there are issues within the family that you just can’t deal with she said, sometimes you don’t know what a deal breaker is until you come upon it.
The most practical way to implement this is to spend time with their family said Black. If you are long distance, try to speak with their family or engage with them as best you can. You never know what you may discover.
- ATTITUDES AND ACTIONS of CONSCIENCE
The way someone treats waiters or people of that kind says a lot about a person, said Jarrett. Just because someone is nice to you, does not mean they are nice to others, it can be a huge red flag. Spend time talking to someone and pay close attention to not only the way they speak to you, but to others. Head to their social media pages if they have one and see how they respond to those around them.
If the person you are talking to treats others poorly or lacks respect, that may be an issue for you and a future relationship. You can simply have a conversation with them about it if you believe it to be an issue, but don’t be afraid to walk away completely if you feel you are being treated in too negative of a way.
- COMPATIBILITY POTENTIAL
Compatibility is a tricky word when thinking about any relationship said Black. We often think of it as being the same enneagram or being introverted versus extroverted. In reality, it is much more than that. For example, it’s like if your dating someone for a while that loves hiking but you hate it, it will take a toll eventually, said Black.
If the compatibility seems a little bit off, give something they enjoy a try, said Black. Relationships take compromise said Jarrett. She spoke about how she learned to enjoy things like football games that her husband enjoyed over time by distributing their time equally between hobbies.
If compromise isn’t something that your special someone isn’t willing to consider, take a moment to think about what you really want. On the other hand, you have to know what compromises you are willing to make in order to be compatible.
If compromise is hard for you, take responsibility for things you have failed to do well instead of casting blame immediately on another person she said. Tell the person you are with how you are working on yourself or issues from previous relationships in order to make future relationships healthier said Jarrett.
- SKILLS OF RELATIONSHIP
Each couple has skills in their relationship and it is important to figure out what yours will be. Some people have different love languages such as words of affirmation while others appreciate a good listener. “Some people listen to understand and some people listen to formulate a response” said Black. If you want someone to be a good listener for you, then always be demonstrating that in your relationship towards them.
During the talking stage you will learn what these skills are and what the other person expects of you. If you feel too much is being asked of you with little in return, address it now rather than later. It is almost important to have a fight or disagreement so you can see how that person responds in that sense said Black.
Jarrett told a story of her grandma who said not to start anything you aren’t willing to keep going. It doesn’t make sense to the other person when you suddenly stop doing something after a while. They need to know what you need from them. Communicate those things in the beginning said Jarrett, you can appreciate a servant’s heart without taking advantage.
During what seems to be a long stage of getting to know someone, you will learn much more than expected. Enter this time with an open mind of prayer and rely on God to open or close whatever door he may have for you.
